A journey of 1000 words (or more…) on how I had to figure out myself, before I start coaching others
Before these thoughts became concretely expressed in writing, in the lines you are reading, there has been a long and intensive reflective process in my head, locked in my thoughts, following me in my daily life, resting and experiencing life with me.
I was listening the other day to a recorded training that talked about the importance of coaching and why actually doing something is way more powerful than just listening to podcasts, trainings, webinars or reading books. The speaker continued, you cannot learn golf (or any sport) just by looking at others how they do it, or watching training video…, at some point you got to start practicing and playing the game yourself, if you want to be in the game.
I came to realize I was not ready to start “playing” because I was afraid that I would not be good.
I was afraid that eventually I would not be good at the thing I discovered I am passionate about, like my journey to discover my passions and live by them would come to a failed end and the discovery would have to restart. I kept having this voice that was saying :
you say you like coaching but in the end you are not so great at it, you should better quit and find something else. This is not for you. Stop hanging over something you are not good at. In the end, you don’t really like people and you don’t understand them nor have sufficient compassion to understand all characters.
It took me time to understand I was dealing with the fear of failure, having the approach that if I didn’t try, it means I didn’t fail. Luckily, I did understand that the failure is actually in not trying. How can one envisage the end of something, when it is the process itself that gives the learning experience that ultimately helps you progress and evolve as a person.
If you wait to start something until you feel 100% confident that you know how to do it, you miss on the opportunity to grow. When you move forward with a wish for which you didn’t figure out all steps yet, you give yourself the opportunity to grow from the person that wished to the person that accomplished. Learning comes from filling in the gaps of knowledge by experience. Don’t let what you don’t know stop you from learning what you need to know.
I have also realized I was putting way too much pressure on myself to succeed, to prove myself, that with the actual first session of coaching, I am good at it, people like me and my coaching helped them. This led to me being discouraged by the very bad feedback I have received from one of the coachees that finally wanted to end our coaching relationship. How do you get up from there? Because I kept myself on the floor, punishing myself for my learning and lack of knowledge and concluding I was not good at it. It took me more than 6 months to restart the coaching sessions and just about the same to start feeling “good enough” to be paid for my sessions, even if it was also still part of my practice hours.
It was only when I was really put down by a personal unfortunate event and ended up in the emergency room, thankful to still be alive, when I realized that I just didn’t love myself enough, didn’t trust myself enough and I was driven by the fear of what other people think of me (and God forbidden to think less than my naïve perfectionism). I was somewhat broken by the realization that I am also breakable, that I do have a limit in reaching my lows, in not allowing love to come into my life, and that trying to keep it all together while I figure out what I really want is a moving puzzle that eventually was scattered all over.
It was in that moment that I have understood the power of asking for help, the power of surrendering to my weakness so I can accept them and fully embrace who I am, as I am. It didn’t feel comfortable asking for help, admitting to myself that I cannot make it to the other side of this life bridge without guidance, without kindness and compassion, first for myself and then for the others.
From that moment, I have approached with a deep sense of curiosity and wonder, all situations life brought into my awareness, to discover myself, my motivations, what feels good to me, what doesn’t and learning to let go. The most important, I have learned that showing up to serve my clients in the best way is to show up first for myself and attend to my own needs first (or ask for support when needed).
I have experienced the beauty of different styles of coaching for myself, I have finally allowed myself to be vulnerable (and not feel ashamed), to show my broken pieces and imperfections. This has been truly transformational, because it felt as a big unload of emotions, ideas, perceptions that were just like little bugs spoiling the bigger picture. I am still work in progress and aspire to be one for the rest of my life, because as I would reach perfection, what is there to experience in this world ? Where would I fit like this and who would perceive me as perfect too ? Because indeed, for me, any achievement it is first an internal achievement and recognition and that is the most important. And we are lucky if we find people that would see the same as us and cheer for us.
So what is my approach in coaching and what has guided me ? Before it was to see big concrete results for my clients. Today, I understand the coach as being the person that will accompany someone in its life journey, to help that person build some bridges, cross some bridges or sometimes even burning some bridges, if there are things to let go of. Sometimes, this can be the most extraordinary contribution I can have as a coach and today I understand that this is enough for me.
I don’t define my coaching as a structured approach, but I let myself inspired by the clients, I look to adapt to its own language, metaphors and challenge them or mirror for the clients some things that come up during coaching.
I still find it complex to explain what coaching is (and even to draw the line to what isn’t) and where I position myself as a coach. However, I accept it as part of the process and remain curious to explore its meaning, until I find one that makes sense for me.
My aim with my coaching is not to discover what is wrong with oneself or situation, but to better understand what behaviors, mindset and beliefs allowed for that person to be where it is. There is nothing wrong with anyone, the fault is in the choices we make, the thoughts we (choose to) have, and believing this says something about who we are as a person. Everything in life is situational and not personal.
I see myself as a coach as someone that can guide the client in a big labyrinth to find its own exit and entry for the next level.
My coaching journey started with the Animas school back in January 2018 and back then I didn’t envisage how the road will unfold for me. It took some time now that I look back while I am writing these lines in 2022 (which I have initially started writing back in January 2021). But it took as long as I needed to understand myself, what are my motivations, what do I want to achieve with coaching. I started from a place of trying to prove myself what a good coach I am just because I enjoy doing it and evolved to a place where I ask myself, how can I serve my client ? I have learned to be driven by how I can serve and not by how I can, one more time, prove myself how good I am (or not good and then get discouraged).
I believe my true transformation and better understanding coaching emerged once I have committed to coaching for myself, when I have learned to show vulnerability, to be open and allow myself to be guided and most importantly to ask for help.
I have spent a lot of time to identify my niche, but it never really came to me, but somehow, naturally a specific target client emerged by itself. So far, I have coached women that wanted a change in their career, women that felt are lacking self-confidence to move to the next level, women that wanted an upgrade on how they showed up in their lives and the life of those that mattered to them.
I have noticed that in my practice, I have attracted clients that were facing similar issues or challenges to the ones I myself struggled or still questioning how to sort it out. My challenge in these situations was to avoid colliding with the client’s situation or to give advice. I have learned to resist that urge and just trust that the client will find their best solutions for them, in their own time and space. Results have been extremely good for the client and I was really encouraged to continue in this direction.
I believe all these steps will point me in identifying my ideal clients, who I want to serve and why.
Another important step in my journey was to better understand the values under which I operate and understand when inner conflict arises, where is it rooted. Today, I see my coaching as part of serving the world, be of service for the society. Of course, I am not touching the entire society out there, but with each client that feels transformed or guided by the coaching, I feel I have contributed in my unique way. This helped me to clarify my question of how I can demonstrate the values such as benevolence and universalism in my life, while I also have achievement as a strong value.
Also, during this lengthy time I have indulged for getting on straight line for the certification, I have also realized that I was in a constant “preparation” mode, to be flawless, to be perfect. This might have also showed up in the beginning of my coaching when I tried to “figure out” a client or find with them a solution from first session. This would result in me asking loads of questions, while sometimes the client might have felt overwhelmed with so many questions. I hope this is something I have come to manage better and accepted that to be a good or excellent coach, the difference is in the desire, passion, perseverance, dedication and remaining open and curious (and getting as many quality hours of coaching and keep practicing).
My approach in coaching has evolved but somehow, I keep the same model still, one that I use my intuition and the present moment to be there for the client rather than having an agenda.
With the hours of practice and new clients, I have learned to put myself in the coaching mode, create the space for the client and resist the urge of figuring it out in one session. I have learned to trust myself and the client, and also to hold clients accountable for their actions and results (e.g. raise awareness where there is cancellation or sessions are being taken with big gap in between sessions compared to what has been agreed, remind them of their objective for the coaching and check if this has shifted).
One tool that I am currently exploring in my coaching, is to emphasize the importance of self- awareness, knowing oneself and based on what values they are currently living. This has proven to be very powerful for the clients, as this helped to understand their behavior better, what is important for them. I am also using the strengths-based test, which also is a very helpful tool to build confidence in clients and remind them of their strengths, especially if they current state is one of low-confidence of low-esteem.
The experience and my own reflective process have helped me to understand that Animas coaching school was just the beginning of this journey. It was the initiation, and, in the beginning, I took it seriously, to the extreme, as if as soon as I finish this course, I should be an excellent coach already. There was a lot of pressure and expectations I have put on myself. I realized I forgot to enjoy the process (despite being something I have voluntarily chosen to commit to).
Now I know that the beauty lies in committing myself to become a better coach every day, learn from my experience, from my clients, continue educating myself, continue learning how to best serve my clients, being committed to being a coach. And most importantly, I have also found my why: I am doing it because it brings me joy, fulfillment, keeps me connected to people from unexpected corners of world and environments, allows me to have my space for reflection and give back to the communities.
